Spiralling

My life.

My father in law is still in a medically(at least we hope) induced coma from his heart surgery that was performed on June 2nd. Heart is working fine, kidneys have started functioning(not perfectly but at least they have stopped shutting down), his lungs however… Well he’s on a ventilator and everytime they try to take him off the sedatives he fights the vent, which results in them putting him back under.

Its a vicious cycle and now he has a fever. My husband has decided that he is pissed the doctors told my mother in law that they didn’t know what it was. I don’t see why he thinks they should just spit out a diagnosis, it takes time and they have nothing to really go on.

I really honestly wonder if they gave his condition prior to surgery the proper attention it deserved. He was 295 lbs prior to surgery, diabetic and had high blood pressure. He refused to stick to any form of a healthy diet. He could barely get himself up out of his chair and couldn’t walk for very long. And yet they went ahead with a surgery that even if he hadn’t had a set back that first night he wouldn’t have been able to get himself out of bed on his own anyways.

I feel so defeated right now. Not only with everything going on with my in laws I have the added stress of my parents living far away. My father lost his toes and is still struggling with pain. They are letting their house go into foreclosure and are moving into an apartment. Two of my brothers are unable to move with them for the simple fact there is no room in the apartment for them, and they are both over 18 so they should be able to fend for themselves so to speak but are making life hell for everyone else. They both still believe that my parents should have to cater to their every whim. I can’t be down there to help and it really breaks my heart to be so far away. I hate feeling helpless.

Then… there is us.

Mike busts his ass everyday to go to work and do everything he can to bring in a paycheck. And all we have to show for it is a constant(I mean this literally) negative balance in our bank account. Its not just some exagerated thing. Its my reality. We will have to move in with his parents. There is just not anything else we can do.

He had been looking into a job that would substancially heal us and now it is falling apart. Our life is spiralling quickly and there doesn’t seem to be any ledge for us to grab onto and stabalize. I have honestly been avoiding everyone. Why? Because I don’t think I can handle one more person complaining about something trivial like not being able to buy some new toy because it’s not in the budget. For me, going grocery shopping isn’t even in the budget. Our money goes for bills and rent, and we go negative to buy groceries.

I personally feel like our family/s deserve a bit of happiness. For those that tell me “Well at least you have your health…” Health won’t pay the bills or keep you fed.

I also think that if I hear one more time that it’s hard everywhere right now I just may scream. It isn’t supportive to hear that.

Hey there

Ugh has it really been a month since I wrote anything on here? Bleah!!  I’m so sorry.

Life in general is pretty crappy for us right now. The bills keep piling up and we can’t get ahead. So there really hasn’t been much to blog about. 

The girls are doing really good. Last week we had a potentially scary thing happen. V being the little copy of me that she is decided it would be nice to introduce her face to the corner of our coffee table. Thankfully it was only just a bit bloody and she ended up with a black eye for a few days. It is starting to look much better now, and we may get lucky with her not even having a scar. 

As if that wasn’t scary enough for me while I was on the phone with Mike explaining what happened and trying to calm down. M tore out of the bathroom, tripped over a toy and introduced her chin to their solid wood toy kitchen. Thankfully we escaped any bleeding on her account and she wound up with just a really nice bruise. 

Really other than our little misadventures in the home we haven’t done much. The weather has gotten warm here, running in the higher 50’s so I have been trying to go through their clothes and pull out the summer stuff. Camping season has finally begun, tonight will be M’s first night out at the campsite with Grandma and Grandpa all by herself. We are going to try to enjoy the few we will get in this summer.

Our families have been plagued with physical illness. It started in September with my dad, that ended last month with the removal of three of his toes. This is the hardest for me to handle seeing as the doctor that first saw him could have had him in for an angioplasty and saved months of pain, suffering and amputation. But no, they gave my dad the run around for months until his toes finally turned black and had to be taken off.

Mike’s mother had to have her gallbladder removed a couple months ago and so it knocked her on her butt for a few weeks. She is finally doing much better from that. But now Mike’s dad is the concern for us. A couple weeks ago he was in for a normal check up when he couldn’t pull himself up out of the waiting room chair and the doctor saw. This is nothing new for us to see because it happens very often, he has diabetes and is nearly 300 pounds. But his doctor thought that there was something else going on, that he shouldn’t be that debilitated that he can’t pull himself out of a chair.

Sure enough his heart is nearly clogged. He is going to have to have a valve replacement and double bypass, possibly more but they haven’t heard all the details yet but it will have to happen soon. So a lot of family illness issues at the moment.

Mike and I are doing okay despite our constant money issues. We are stuck in a hole and are having a seriously hard time trying to find the surface. Drowning in bills and negative bank balances is slowly starting to drive a wedge though. I feel badly that I can’t help. Mike has applied for another job though, we are about a month out from them having a decision. If he doesn’t get picked for the job though then I will pick up a night job, with or with out his approval. We just can not continue down this path. The girls will ultimately suffer and I won’t allow it.

The major blow to my self esteem this month was having to ask my mother in law to buy groceries for us last weekend. I was depressed for several days after it, and am still dealing with it. I have a feeling it will happen again in a few weeks when we yet again are negative and just trying to make ends meet. 

I hate to be so negative in my posts. Our life is just not all sunshine and roses right now. There are points where the happiness can break through and I am so very grateful for those moments. Like seeing the girls happy giggling and wrestling on the floor, or seeing Mike laugh at one of my silly little stories. I am just putting my faith in a higher power to see us through this storm. For so long I haven’t been with all the overwhelming trials we have had to deal with. 

We will get there, how and when is up to God.

You’re Not Immune

All of us need humor. There is not a single one of us that is immune to it. You want to feel better, find someone that will make you laugh. Trust me. 

The best help for a bad day is laughter. 

I believe children are built to be this way with out fail. Thats why even if they are doing something ridiculous and that you’ve asked them a million times not to, you just sometimes want to laugh. Its why you absolutely look back on those memories and giggle or have to hold yourself together while you laugh harder than you ever had before.

Our day yesterday was hell, M is sick… I don’t know what is up with it but she hasn’t eaten anything and can barely keep down water. Today has not been much better, waking before the alarm clock to your daughter screaming that the bed is wet just sucks worse than anything. Knowing that the soaked bed is because of throw up… it really doesn’t make you want to get out of bed in the morning.

V is very worried about her sister, yes a 2.5 year old can worry about her older sister. Especially when said sister hasn’t moved from the couch in over 24 hours and she usually plays non-stop with you. Anyways, she stripped out of her clothes and struggled to put on her and zip up her winter coat. I asked her what she was doing.

V: “I go store. Nee pop icle. M ick. Me feel her better.”
Me: “V I really do not think going to the store naked is a good idea. There is snow on the ground.”
V: “ooh…” *she stands there looks out our balcony door for a few seconds* “oooh BOOTS!” and she runs over and tries to find her snow boots.

This is what you get:

 

V ready to go to the store

One really silly kid, and one very lighter mommy. Out of all of this atleast she’s made me smile for a little bit. Now if only M will get over whatever is making her stomach so upset.

Things I’m Looking Forward too…

Right now:

• The Twilight Special Edition DVD Release March 21st 
• My Passion Party delivery… any day?
• My new iFrogz purchase ugh today or tomorrow I need it!!!  So in love!!!
• My first anniversary – March 29th
• The snow to melt… whenever that happens

Just a boring blog post lol

Always Gunna Be An Uphill Battle

****Warning…. um… I may have used a bit of profanity in this post… consider yourself warned!****

My life is just like the title says. At least so it would seem lately. After all the pain from November to January you’d think I would be running to Michigan to visit my family. I decided I won’t. We may go this winter though. As in later this year.

I miss my dad and my family. I miss my mother. I love them all dearly and as much as I want to go and help my dad through what is going on with him I know that it wouldn’t really matter. I can be there for him from here. If he’ll let me.

My parents seem to think that it is best to keep me in the dark repeatedly about things until the very last minute. I’m sick to death of being the last to know. I can’t change that myself and I’m sick to death of the guilt that is pushed on me without reason. I have wanted more than once to hang up on my mother because of the things she says to me. I love her don’t get me wrong but the ‘oh woe is me’ crap is seriously irritating. And damn it is NOT my fault.

She’s also had the audacity to blame me solely for the extended silence between my sister and I. My sister knows how to contact me, my email address has been the exact same for over 5 years. She has my phone numbers, both have not changed for years. There is NO excuse. And yet I am the one that is at fault. I am immature about all of it. Whatever, I refuse to be the one to bend first, it may seem ridiculous but she called me basically a whore, and elluded to the fact she felt my children were bastards because they were born out of wedlock. She can kiss my fat white ass! I have never once said anything mean towards her. I have nothing to apologize for. I’ve made my own mistakes in my life and I have no one but God to answer to for them. Not her! So she can take a flying leap to the moon for all I care. And I wish I could shove the damn ‘Donate money so I can go to Africa!’ papers she mails to me every month up her ass! She wont apologize but she wants me to donate money to her. With out actually asking no she just sends the notes, I know its not autoated because its her handwriting on the enevelopes. Not so much as a ‘Hi how ya doin?’ BAH!!

Crap I’m complaining alot today huh? Oh well not many people read here.

The girls are wonderfully aggravating… I think only mothers of small children will understand that one. I love them, I get irritated with them, I want to run away. Then I want to kiss their little faces and make them giggle. Yep, thats pretty much how the day goes. M is the ring  leader for a LOT of shit that goes on around here. The crying, the hitting, the messes, the laughing, the screaming, the giggling and drama. That is pretty much how the day goes. V is adorable beyond words and just as frustrating; she is more stubborn than anything I’m prepared to deal with. 

Would I change any of that? Would I give it up? HELL NO!! In fact I welcome more. My mother-in-law seems to think that when I get a little frustrated that I should NEVER have another. I say I need another to give me a bit more to do. I absolutely love being a mother. All the frustrating moments included. Hearing ‘I love you mommy’ even just once is the best gift in the world. I love them unconditionally. Even when they are screaming and having a fit. Even when I want to scream and lock myself in my bathroom with my iPod volume as loud as I can get it, I love them and would gladly have another. 

Sorry I know this post is random and crazy just a bunch of shit on my brain screaming to get out. It’s getting rather long. I just needed to get it out. I’m feeling slightly better. I have been finding therapy in writing, not so much here at my blog but on a fanfic… silly I know. But it’s practice and it is fun, playing with characters from a favorite book. Or series in my case. Anyways I’m rambling and probably boring the crap out of you.

Have a wonderful Saturday!

What a freaking bummer

Saturday freaking sucked!!!!  And that’s putting it very mild.  I woke up at 4 am smelling cat piss.  In my room!!  Mind you we keep the bedroom doors closed most of the day and all night.  One of our cats, Foo, decided to piss in our dirty laundry basket!!!  Then he proceeded to attack Mike when he was being put in the kennel for when we left for breakfast.

It wouldn’t be so bad if this cat only did it on accident, but we’ve seen him piss on the futon, or in the corner by our balcony door.  I’m alittle ocd about scooping the box every single day and once a week all the litter is thrown out, the box cleaned and new fresh litter put in.  With two cats using the same box if I don’t take care of it we’d smell piss all the time.

So Mike and I finally had to make a decision about what to do.  Foo now has a new home. M screamed when Mike left with him. I feel like the worst mother in the world.  I loved that cat.  I can’t believe we had to get rid of him, but I can’t keep cleaning up cat piss.  Poor Turbo is depressed and I don’t know what to do.  We will not be getting another cat for a while.  I don’t think Mike and I can handle it.  

I’m sitting here wishing that we could get him back but it’s impossible. Plus it wouldn’t be really smart, he’d just find something else to spray and we can’t afford to have him nuetered right now so I just pray his new ‘parents’ take good care of him. Bleah, and I was doing so well and now I just want to scream!! And worst of all is when M asks when he’s coming back. I hope she forgets him soon!

Survey Fun Friday

You Remember 90% of 2008

You were paying attention during 2008. And you remember what happened really well.  You’ll be able to talk about 2008 for years to come… Even when most people have forgotten what went down.

How Much Do You Remember 2008?

Have fun Happy Friday Everyone!!

Miss Me?

Sorry I’ve been gone. I’ve been dealing with quite a lot since my last post. For a month or so it felt like I had fallen into a pit and had trouble finding my way out, then there was Christmas and it didn’t get better. I’m working thru everything now though. I’m slowly doing better and I promise to resume posting more regularly. 

Today is a good day. I actually slept last night and woke up semi rested. 

The girls are absolutely wonderful, when they aren’t beating each other up. Oh the joys of siblings. They were spoiled at Christmas, a new toy kitchen, things to go with it. And lots of other interesting and fun things we’ve been enjoying. 

Mike is doing well, working and keeping busy with UAA Basketball games and other such side jobs. He really enjoys helping people, so I can’t find it in myself to be upset when he comes home late. It gives him a feeling of accomplishment and I only want him to be happy. He’s much better at making us time though. 

I have a wonderful husband and feel so blessed. He totally spoiled me for my birthday. I had showed him this neat little contraption called a Kindle, its an electronic reader that Amazon sells. I’m so in love. I can carry as many books with me as I want, and I don’t have to worry about losing my bookmark. He also got me tickets to see Jeff Dunham live. If you don’t know who he is you should google or youtube him, he’s hilarious!

Not on to me some more after all this is my blog. I’m struggling with a bit of depression, insomnia and stress. They all feed of each other. It can be a bit much on some days but nothing I’m not able to cope with and manage. I’m depressed because I miss my family, the holidays were especially hard on me this year. It was so hard to realize that me, Mike and the girls were the only ones not there with the family. My brother his wife and their little boy were actually able to make it there. Knowing that he was to turn a year on New Years and all I’ve ever seen is pictures made my heart hurt very badly. 

Stress… Well we’re paying bills but who knows how long that will go on, the economy sucks everywhere and the prices keep going up here. It adds all this stress to my life. And my dad has been having some medical issues which brings more stress, and then he lost his job. I know they aren’t really my stresses but they affect me and stress me as well. He’s my father and I would give anything to help him.

Insomnia, oh what I would give to be able to sleep 8 or 9 hours uninterupted or with out wicked dreams. It comes and goes, I’m thinking its bugging me so badly right now because of all the other things going on with my emotions. I’d love to explain everything in detail but alot of it is just way to personal. Some of them just to painful to share.

I promise to blog more. It helps to get it all out and helps me sort my feelings. Please, for those that I have avoided and read my blog and who have contacted me concerned, please forgive me for being so distant, and for pulling so far away. It didn’t help like I hoped it would. I’m so appreciative of all the love. Thank you!

Interesting Day

So first this morning I came across an message one of the owners of an online scrapping magazine had sent. Asking if I’d like a spot on their digital creative team!  I was so shocked and totally accepted it! So now I’m apart of Ready Set Create. 

Then I got to go to the library and pick up my copy of Twilight to read over the next three weeks. Which I doubt it will take that long. So far its an okay book.  I wouldn’t say that I’m in love with it. But the story is just starting.

We went to Walfart and got two brand new fish. A black moor called Oddball, and another gold fantail named Squirt. The girls are over the moon and its nice to have something in the fish tank, and they already seem pretty happy. 

We then had Mike’s eye appointment.  Poor guys one eye muscle is weakening, its whats causing his double vision the doctor said that the glasses will help, but that she wouldn’t be able to completely correct it. So hopefully they will get excersized though and will correct alittle over time. He’s not to happy about having to get ones that he’s going to have to wear all the time. But he did pick out a really nice pair of frames.

We then had dinner at Red Robin, the girls did wonderful, and then we were off to Walfart to get a new Christmas tree. We picked out a 6.5 foot prelit Colorado pine (fake tree) and so now we wont have the little 2 foot one. Just a really full day.

God Bless The Men/Women

That protect our freedoms, worlds away from our homes. They give their lives for us. I hope that everyone takes today and thanks a Veteran for what they have done for us.

God Bless you all!!