You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Uncategorized' category.
****Warning…. um… I may have used a bit of profanity in this post… consider yourself warned!****
My life is just like the title says. At least so it would seem lately. After all the pain from November to January you’d think I would be running to Michigan to visit my family. I decided I won’t. We may go this winter though. As in later this year.
I miss my dad and my family. I miss my mother. I love them all dearly and as much as I want to go and help my dad through what is going on with him I know that it wouldn’t really matter. I can be there for him from here. If he’ll let me.
My parents seem to think that it is best to keep me in the dark repeatedly about things until the very last minute. I’m sick to death of being the last to know. I can’t change that myself and I’m sick to death of the guilt that is pushed on me without reason. I have wanted more than once to hang up on my mother because of the things she says to me. I love her don’t get me wrong but the ‘oh woe is me’ crap is seriously irritating. And damn it is NOT my fault.
She’s also had the audacity to blame me solely for the extended silence between my sister and I. My sister knows how to contact me, my email address has been the exact same for over 5 years. She has my phone numbers, both have not changed for years. There is NO excuse. And yet I am the one that is at fault. I am immature about all of it. Whatever, I refuse to be the one to bend first, it may seem ridiculous but she called me basically a whore, and elluded to the fact she felt my children were bastards because they were born out of wedlock. She can kiss my fat white ass! I have never once said anything mean towards her. I have nothing to apologize for. I’ve made my own mistakes in my life and I have no one but God to answer to for them. Not her! So she can take a flying leap to the moon for all I care. And I wish I could shove the damn ‘Donate money so I can go to Africa!’ papers she mails to me every month up her ass! She wont apologize but she wants me to donate money to her. With out actually asking no she just sends the notes, I know its not autoated because its her handwriting on the enevelopes. Not so much as a ‘Hi how ya doin?’ BAH!!
Crap I’m complaining alot today huh? Oh well not many people read here.
The girls are wonderfully aggravating… I think only mothers of small children will understand that one. I love them, I get irritated with them, I want to run away. Then I want to kiss their little faces and make them giggle. Yep, thats pretty much how the day goes. M is the ring leader for a LOT of shit that goes on around here. The crying, the hitting, the messes, the laughing, the screaming, the giggling and drama. That is pretty much how the day goes. V is adorable beyond words and just as frustrating; she is more stubborn than anything I’m prepared to deal with.
Would I change any of that? Would I give it up? HELL NO!! In fact I welcome more. My mother-in-law seems to think that when I get a little frustrated that I should NEVER have another. I say I need another to give me a bit more to do. I absolutely love being a mother. All the frustrating moments included. Hearing ‘I love you mommy’ even just once is the best gift in the world. I love them unconditionally. Even when they are screaming and having a fit. Even when I want to scream and lock myself in my bathroom with my iPod volume as loud as I can get it, I love them and would gladly have another.
Sorry I know this post is random and crazy just a bunch of shit on my brain screaming to get out. It’s getting rather long. I just needed to get it out. I’m feeling slightly better. I have been finding therapy in writing, not so much here at my blog but on a fanfic… silly I know. But it’s practice and it is fun, playing with characters from a favorite book. Or series in my case. Anyways I’m rambling and probably boring the crap out of you.
Have a wonderful Saturday!
Sorry I’ve been gone. I’ve been dealing with quite a lot since my last post. For a month or so it felt like I had fallen into a pit and had trouble finding my way out, then there was Christmas and it didn’t get better. I’m working thru everything now though. I’m slowly doing better and I promise to resume posting more regularly.
Today is a good day. I actually slept last night and woke up semi rested.
The girls are absolutely wonderful, when they aren’t beating each other up. Oh the joys of siblings. They were spoiled at Christmas, a new toy kitchen, things to go with it. And lots of other interesting and fun things we’ve been enjoying.
Mike is doing well, working and keeping busy with UAA Basketball games and other such side jobs. He really enjoys helping people, so I can’t find it in myself to be upset when he comes home late. It gives him a feeling of accomplishment and I only want him to be happy. He’s much better at making us time though.
I have a wonderful husband and feel so blessed. He totally spoiled me for my birthday. I had showed him this neat little contraption called a Kindle, its an electronic reader that Amazon sells. I’m so in love. I can carry as many books with me as I want, and I don’t have to worry about losing my bookmark. He also got me tickets to see Jeff Dunham live. If you don’t know who he is you should google or youtube him, he’s hilarious!
Not on to me some more after all this is my blog. I’m struggling with a bit of depression, insomnia and stress. They all feed of each other. It can be a bit much on some days but nothing I’m not able to cope with and manage. I’m depressed because I miss my family, the holidays were especially hard on me this year. It was so hard to realize that me, Mike and the girls were the only ones not there with the family. My brother his wife and their little boy were actually able to make it there. Knowing that he was to turn a year on New Years and all I’ve ever seen is pictures made my heart hurt very badly.
Stress… Well we’re paying bills but who knows how long that will go on, the economy sucks everywhere and the prices keep going up here. It adds all this stress to my life. And my dad has been having some medical issues which brings more stress, and then he lost his job. I know they aren’t really my stresses but they affect me and stress me as well. He’s my father and I would give anything to help him.
Insomnia, oh what I would give to be able to sleep 8 or 9 hours uninterupted or with out wicked dreams. It comes and goes, I’m thinking its bugging me so badly right now because of all the other things going on with my emotions. I’d love to explain everything in detail but alot of it is just way to personal. Some of them just to painful to share.
I promise to blog more. It helps to get it all out and helps me sort my feelings. Please, for those that I have avoided and read my blog and who have contacted me concerned, please forgive me for being so distant, and for pulling so far away. It didn’t help like I hoped it would. I’m so appreciative of all the love. Thank you!
11/08/2008, originally uploaded by only1geekette.
I love taking photos of V when she’s asleep. She’s easier. She isn’t moving, she isn’t saying cheese with her eyes closed. I don’t have to try to distract her to get her to look at the camera.
It helps also that she’s absolutely adorable when she’s asleep!
My in laws took our girls tonight so that we could go out and have a night to ourselves. So we opted to go to dinner then a movie. I looked online to see what was playing, I kind of wanted to go see Blindness it just looked interesting to me. Mike had mentioned though that he would like to see Flash of Genius, so we got tickets to see it.
I usually prefer to go see movies that I can’t watch here at home with the girls up. Flash of Genius was a movie we could have watched here at home. We really liked it, it was of course based on a true story, one that should have been told a while ago, and it was well done. I’d suggest it if you’re into true life stories, and if you have no other fun options.
Dinner was really good, we went to Applebee’s, I was sure we would be in their forever but it went pretty smoothly. Amazing when you don’t have the kiddos there to wrestle. My sirloin was perfect, which is the first time ever at Applebee’s. I love their garlic mashed potatoes too.
I hope that we can get a date night once a month from now on.
M: “Candy makes my brain all better mommy.”
(In response to my asking what would make her head feel better.)
Last night I came across this really cool little tin album. Basically its an altoid tin with an accordian type pull out album. I quickly put together 8 little pages in photoshop, a top and bottom for the tin, and printed, cut and rubber cemented everything together. This is the finished product… well aside from needing to take a nail file to buff the edges of the cover and bottom but the rest is done. Now I just need to get it in the mail, along with my mom’s mother’s day gift and my sister’s birthday card.
To go with all the whine I had to listen to today?? Both girls were are their finest I swear!! What I wouldn’t have given to be able to go off somewhere with a strawberry daquiri and read a book or something.
I am just beyond happy to have them in bed now. I love being a mommy, I just don’t like days when all they do is fuss and whine. Makes me so frustrated. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Beyond pissed right now. I sure as heck hope that Word Press doesn’t tank on me too. I’m seriously peeved about having to change my blog title. I’m also beyond pissed that I’ve lost all my blog posts. I’m hoping and praying that clearblogs comes back long enough to pull my stuff. I should have done it last time, but I had gotten an email promising they were past their issues. Obviously not!
The holiday season is over, and I’m actually really grateful for it to be gone. We’ve had so much going on, I look forward to getting back into a routine, hopefully anyways. I have a long list of crud I need to get done around this silly apartment. Lots and lots of stuff…. loooooooong lists of stuff. And yet I have no motivation. For the first time in a long time I have two baskets full of laundry that are clean. Meaning they went thru the wash, thru the dryer and instead of getting folded went promptly back into the baskets they came out of. Ugh, there they sit gathering more and more wrinkles. Oh well, most are skivvies and socks, and the girls clothes. Its a new year and I decided I wouldnt make any resolutions this year. Whats the point I never keep them anyways. I got a really great gift from Mike’s parents, a Curves gift certificate and I just need to go down there and get started. I think I’ll do that Monday. I can go up to 6 days a week I think for 30 min intervals. And I’m seriously tempted to. We’ll see, I really want to loose a good amount of weight, I take that back, its not a want really its a need. Its sad to think that I get so tired just going up and down the stairs. Its not that I’m not happy with who I am. I’d be happy if I wasnt so exhausted, and I know that totally is because I’m carrying around so much excess baggage it isnt funny. I just need excersize and I think that will make a huge difference. The girls are amazing, V decided a bit before Christmas that she would all of a sudden start sleeping thru the night. So now that both sleep thru its wonderful. Although I don’t feel rested and am often tired. I wish that would go away. The trade off is that she now refuses to sleep in there for naptime, she prefers the couch. M is so much fun, she talks about everything and has taken to having imaginary phone conversations with my mom. Hilarious really! She even told me she wants to live with “Other Mom in Meechagin” oh boy do I wish I could make that happen. The year started wonderfully for my family, especially after such a downer just before Christmas. My brother and his wife welcomed their first child, a boy, on New Years Day. How do you start the year better than that??? You just dont. 
He is so adorable and I can not wait to see more and more pictures. I feel so bad that my brother will be living so far away from them because of school. We don’t always get to decide on where we live. I’ve started to accept that. And my brother has also. Life pulls and pushes in so many ways, between careers, family, friends, and just everything else you just really don’t know where you’ll end up. He and my SIL will make great and loving parents though. I’m really sorry if some of this is repeated I didnt mean to. Happy Friday everyone!
Despite all my downiness (I know not a real word all well) I want to wish everyone a very happy and fun Christmas. Enjoy your loved ones! Merry Christmas!
